CAFESTUCK: a Homestuck AU

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Anonymous asked: So Karkat, how'd you meet Terezi in the first place? Is she just a regular or do you talk outside of work?

WE USED TO GO TO WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.

FUCKING STUPID, BUT I GUESS THAT’S ALL YOU CAN EXPECT FROM A SPECIES THAT THINKS CONSTANT, VICIOUS INTERGALACTIC WAR ISN’T WORTH THEIR TIME.

WE NEVER REALLY TALKED MUCH THEN THOUGH. I GUESS WE WERE KIND OF IN DIFFERENT CIRCLES?

KANAYA KNEW NEPETA, AND NEPETA WAS GOOD FRIENDS WITH TEREZI.

IT’S ALMOST AS STUPID AS THAT ONE FUCKING MOVIE, 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU.

POSSIBLY THE MOST INSULTING, OFFENSIVE PORTRAYAL OF THE BLACK-TO-RED QUADRANT SWAP THAT I’VE EVER SEEN, BY THE WAY!

SUFFERING TROLL  JESUS, YOU PEOPLE DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT  HOW TO HANDLE THESE ISSUES DELICATELY. BUT OF COURSE YOU CAN’T SAY SHIT  ABOUT IT BECAUSE THAT ONE GUY DIED.

NO SENSE OF DIGNITY IN DEATH,  EITHER. FUCK. WE’D HAVE COMMEMORATED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS ONE  BY NOW.

WHATEVER. ANYWAY.

WE HAD A COUPLE OF CLASSES TOGETHER? SHE REALLY RAN IN DIFFERENT CIRCLES.

Yeah, it sure wasn’t that you couldn’t summon the 8alls to talk to her! Hahahaha!!!!!!!!



OH WHAT THE FUCK  EVEN. VRISKA, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Hey, I’m  just speaking the truth here! 8n’t nothing you can do to shut me  up  about your stupid little fucking crush!

It’s so pathetic that you couldn’t even talk to her until your sad little excuse for a job gave you reason to. Really, it is!

Go 8ack to pining from afar and stroking your 8one 8ulge, Vantas!

Looooooooser! >::::)



…

GOD, I FUCKING HATE HER.

Filed under cafestuck homestuck

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Tavros ==> Serve the customers.

i’M, uHH, nOT ALLOWED TO OPERATE THE BEANJUICOVATOR,

kARKAT SAYS, i’M A WALKING DISASTER AREA,

pLUS MY HORNS HAVE KIND OF, kNOCKED OVER A LOT OF THINGS,

aCCIDENTALLY,

}:(

bUT i’M GOOD AT WAITING TABLES, aT LEAST,

aND I HARDLY EVER GET HEADPHONES CAUGHT, oN MY HORNS,

uHH, aND THAT’S IT, i GUESS,

i’M JUST HAPPY TO BE, wORKING WITH MY FRIENDS,

oH, uHH,

dON’T TELL KARKAT,

bUT I GIVE GAMZEE ALL OUR DAY-OLD MUFFINS,

iNSTEAD OF THROWING THEM OUT,

sHHH,

}:) 

(thank you, ju5t4n3rd!)

Filed under cafestuck homestuck

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isadorathegreat asked: > Karkat: Recall why you hate John's mentor.

OH MY GREAT BULGING MUSCLEBEAST, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS SHIT.

SO YOU REMEMBER THAT FLARPING SHIT WE WERE ALL INTO BACK IN THE SWEEP, RIGHT?

SHIT, THAT’S EMBARRASSING TO THINK BACK ON.

WHAT WERE WE THINKING, GETTING SO INVESTED IN THAT?

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I’LL BE INTO FUCKING FIDUSPAWN.

ANYWAY.

WE WERE FLARPING BACK WHEN WE WERE SIX SWEEPS OLD, JUST THE WIGGLERS FROM SCHOOL - WHICH IS ALSO STUPID AND FUCKING WEIRD. HUMANS HAVE SOME FUCKED UP RITUALS.

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHY, BUT VRISKA WAS ON THE SAME TEAM AS ME. THAT WASN’T TOO BAD IN ITSELF: SHE’S GOT A KILLER INSTINCT AND THOSE DICE CAN BE FUCKING LETHAL. WE WORKED WELL TOGETHER.

DON’T TELL HER I SAID THAT.

BUT EVEN WITH ALL THE BULGE-SPREADING SKILL BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, WE STILL MANAGED TO END UP CORNERED. THE OTHER TEAM WAS FUCKING STRIDER, NEPETA AND EQUIUS - GAG ME NOW - AND WE GOT HOLED UP IN THIS GIANT ROCKY MINE THE HUMANS HAD ABANDONED FOR WHATEVER REASON.

JUST ME AND VRISKA, TAVROS ALREADY TAKEN OUT - OH YEAH, TAVROS WAS THERE TOO. WHATEVER. - WITH OUR BACKS LITERALLY AGAINST THE FUCKING WALL.

NEPETA’S DOING HER STUPID ROLEPLAYING SHIT, SO SHE ASKS IF WE HAVE ANY LAST WORDS.

NOW GET THIS INESCAPABLE LOAD OF SHIT.

VRISKA FUCKING LAUGHS, AND SAYS:

“With my last 8reath, I 8lame Karkat!”

I COULDN’T LET THAT SHIT SLIDE.

WE KIND OF STARTING ARGUING AND THEN FIGHTING RIGHT THERE IN THE QUARRY. DESTROYED FROM WITHIN BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T STOP BEING A TROLL FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS.

I’LL ALWAYS HATE HER FOR THAT.

ALSO THERE’S THE YEARS OF RIDICULE AND HER SICKENING PREOCCUPATION WITH JOHN, BUT WHATEVER. THAT’S JUST HER WAY OF MAKING FRIENDS.

AS ASININE AND ENRAGING AS IT IS.

NOW SHE’S GOT THIS AWESOME JOB AND RUBS MY NOSE IN IT EVEN FUCKING MORE.

TROLL FUCKING JOHN HUGHES, I HATED HIGH SCHOOL.

Filed under cafestuck homestuck

4 notes

Anonymous asked: JOHN: ==> TALK TO THE OTHER BARISTAMEISTER

SHOW BEANCHAT

EB: so, karkat!

CG: FUCK OFF, EGBERT.

EB: haha, you’re such a kidder! i know you don’t really  mean that.

CG: YES, I DO. I REALLY  FUCKING DO.

CG: YOU’VE GOT YOUR PISSY LITTLE GIRLY DRINK, NOW FUCK OFF AND WAIT FOR QUEEN BITCH TO  SHOW UP.

CG: I KNOW YOU TWO HAVE GOT A LOT OF SLOPPY MAKEOUTS TO INDULGE IN.

EB: ewww, dude! it’s totally not like that.

EB: vriska and i are just friends!  i’m her protege while she teaches me how to lawyer.

CG: LAWYER IS NOT A VERB, ASSBULGE.

EB: whatever!!!!!!!! look, i just wanted to talk to you. see what the haps were!

EB: isn’t that what friends do for each other?

CG: I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND.

EB: you’re still denying it?! it’s not just a river in egypt! :B

CG: SHUT UP.  I HATE YOU.

CG: I DON’T  KNOW HOW I CAN POSSIBLY GET THIS SHIT THROUGH YOUR HEAD ANY MORE COMPLETELY.

CG: HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD OF PROFESSIONAL COURTESY, YOU NUBSUCKING GORGE GAPER?!

EB: dude, you’ve dumped hot coffee onto customer’s laps, like, ten times.

EB: i don’t think you care that much about being a good employee.

EB: therefore, the only reason you’d be nice to me is if you actually wanted to!

EB: face it, dude. we’re friends.

CG: …

CG: YEAH, WELL. STILL. FUCK YOU. YOU’RE JUST—

(Ask box is still open, everyone! We’re going to try some more prose-style responses too, if you want to ask questions about the history within the AU, or even ask something of the characters themselves! Go nuts.)

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2 notes

==>

You mentally take an inventory of everything that’s supposed to happen today. Your privileged position as THE GUY THAT DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK (BUT SECRETLY DOES A WHOLE LOT) means that you’ve heard everything all of these idiots are planning to do all day. John is waiting for his ‘mentor’ to show up for their morning coffee d8, which sickens you; Eridan is going to hang around and pretend to work on that awful pop-culture blog of his until it’s clear Feferi isn’t going to talk to him, which exhausts you; Nepeta and Terezi will leave soon for class, which depresses you; Gamzee will hang around all day filling the place with honking bullshit unless you kick him out, which enrages you.

Yep. It’s planning to be a full day.

SHOW BEANCHAT

CG: EGBERT, AMPORA, AND YOU IN THE STUPID FLANNEL. YOUR DRINKS ARE READY.

CG: ERIDAN, YOUR MUFFIN’S GOING TO BE A SECOND.

CA: are you fuckin serious this is a staggerin display a incompetence evven for you kar

CA: get fef out here so i can register the sheer levvels a my disgust for-

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

EB: thanks karkat!

CG: YEAH, YEAH.

Filed under cafestuck homestuck

2 notes

==> Eridan: Take a seat.

It’s the same glubbing nonsense every day. You try and you try, you put on your best moves, but that beautiful queen of the espresso machine refuses your red advances time and again! You even alchemitized your glasses with a Kanye West CD to produce these beautiful specimens of eyewear currently perched on your nasal protrusion. It’s enough to turn a guy to kismessitude.

Except you tried that already and she called you pathetic.

And now, she even has one of your best friends playing bodyguard to her! You don’t know why you ever went away from your original plan to kill all these land-dwellers. They all deserve to die. Your dark, burning hatred for each and every one of them should have turned your epic weapons onto them sweeps ago.

That’s it. This last insult was the yellowstalk that broke the humpbeast’s back! You’re going to get up right now and…and…!

SHOW BEANCHAT

CG: ALRIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT.

CA: skinny latte wwith extra wwhipped cream and a fuckin wwalnut muffin you knoww wwhat i wwant kar

CG: …

CA: oh fuckin fine. please.

CG: MUCH BETTER.

Yeah. You showed him!

…maybe you’ll spare Karkat. He makes a killer latte. And he is your best friend.

(oh god you’re so alone)

Filed under cafestuck homestuck

4 notes

Anonymous asked: == > suddenly encounter said day-ruiner.

Like clockwork, every goddamn day. Troll Bill Murray himself couldn’t have done better, even in his seminal masterpiece ‘A brown-blooded troll finds himself stuck in a temporal knothole, requiring him to repeat a notable troll holiday over and over until he can achieve some measure of control over his life, all the while pursuing a burgeoning matespritship with Andie McTrowel who continually forgets, not unlike another film of significantly lesser quality starring a one-note actor  who gets angry and hits things a lot. There are three decapitations and five injuries he must achieve on every daycycle, as well as one life which requires saving. Also, a lusus features prominently’.

You forget what you were saying again. God, you love that movie.

Oh right, Eridan. That douchebag comes here every day, without fail. Time to earn your keep with the finest fake-quadrant that has ever graced the hallow metaphysical halls of redrom, crafted especially for you: the ‘Keep Eridan The Glub Away From Me’ quadrant.

Now this is the part of the job that you like.

SHOW BEANCHAT

CA: hey kar wwheres fef is she in yet

CG: DO YOU SEE HER HERE? MUCH TO MY ENDLESS DISGUST, OUR GLORIOUS LEADER HASN’T MANAGED TO BEND OVER AND SUBSEQUENTLY FUCK THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM UNTIL IT LIKES IT JUST YET.

CG: SO UNLESS THOSE HIDEOUS EXCUSES FOR GLASSES ARE FINALLY FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN SCREAMING ‘I AM A RAGING DOUCHENOZZLE, PLEASE HATE ME’ AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOCAL CHORDS TO THE WORLD, I SUGGEST YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES AND TAKE IN HER EXTREMELY OBVIOUS FUCKING ABSENCE.

CA: so wwhat thats a no then

CG: SIT THE FUCK DOWN, ERIDAN. I’LL TAKE YOUR ORDER IN A SECOND.

CA: glub

==>

Filed under cafestuck homestuck